Joke of The Week

The Parrot Died!

At dawn the telephone rings . .    .

"Hello, Senor Rod?" 

     This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your lake house in Bella Vista."

"Yes, Ernesto. 

Is there a    problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you,

Senor Rod, that your parrot - he is dead."

"My parrot? Dead? 

The one that won the international competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

“I spent a small fortune on that bird. 

What happened?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.”

"Rotten meat? 

Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. 

He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? 

 What dead horse?" 

"The thoroughbred, Senor"

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod,

he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane?? 

What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord!! 

What fire are you talking about?"

"The one that destroyed your house, Senor! 

A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What??”

  “my house is destroyed because of a candle??!!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!!”

   “What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod.    

“She showed up very late one night

 and I thought she was a thief,

so I hit her

 with your new

Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club."

SILENCE........... LONG    SILENCE.........

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble!

BofA Weighs Reducing Some Troubled Owners’ Loans

Bank of America, the country’s largest bank, has faced a flood of borrowers defaulting on loans and lawsuits over some of its foreclosures since it purchased Countrywide Financial Corp. in 2008. Now, reportedly, the bank is in talks with state and federal officials to write down the principal owed on some struggling borrowers’ loans in exchange for a release from the mounting legal disputes against it, according to The Wall Street Journal.

The talks are part of an ongoing settlement between banks and state and federal officials over bad reviews and paperwork processing problems with foreclosures that surfaced last fall. Bank of America reportedly has approached officials in one-on-one talks about the mortgage writedown proposal.

The principal reductions would apply to the bank’s own mortgages as well as those it services from private investors, The Wall Street Journal reports. Borrowers would have to prove financial distress to qualify. The principal amount would also have to be $1 million or less in certain areas.

In return for the writedowns, Bank of America reportedly has told state and federal officials that it wants to be protected from future litigation in regards to its mortgage servicing.

The Wall Street Journal says it’s unknown whether other banks are putting forth similar proposals.
Source: “BofA Proposes Loan-Forgiveness Deal,” The Wall Street Journal (Aug. 2, 2011)
Read more:
5 to Watch: Banks, States Near Deal on Foreclosure Fund

BEER, FISHING, SEX & GOLF

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
 particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of
 dollars for dinner.

 The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with
 it instead of dinner?"

 "No, I had to stop drinking years ago,"

the homeless man replied.

 "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?"

the man asked.

 "No, I don't waste time fishing,"

the homeless man said. "I need to spend
 all my time trying to stay alive."

 "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
 the man asked.

 "Are you NUTS!"

replied the homeless man.
"I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

 "Will you spend the money on a woman instead of food?"

the man asked.

 "What would I get for ten lousy bucks?"

exclaimed the homeless man.

 "Well," said the man,

"I'm not going to give you the money.

Instead, I'm going to take you home

for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

 The homeless man was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
 The man replied,

"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Ocwen Financial Will Reduce Your Loan if You Share Future Appreciation

Ocwen Financial Corp., a servicer of residential mortgages, launched a new loan modification program to reduce the principal on a mortgage for delinquent borrowers, but the borrowers must agree to let loan investors share in future appreciation of the home’s value when the market recovers.

Through the Shared Appreciation Modification program, Ocwen will write down the principal of the loan to 95 percent of the home’s current market value. The amount written down will then be forgiven in one-third increments over a three-year timespan, as long as the home owner remains current on the modified mortgage.

Then, “when the house is later sold or refinanced, the borrower must share 25 percent of the appreciation with the investors that own the loan; borrowers keep 75 percent of the gain,” the company notes.
Loan modifications will be available only to home owners in negative equity.

"Like all modifications, SAMs help home owners avoid foreclosure. But they also restore equity,” says Ocwen CEO Ronald Faris in a public statement about the program. “That's a significant benefit to the customer and, we believe, the economy and housing market. Psychologically, it's important too. Our analytics tell us that an underwater mortgage is one-and-a-half to two-times more likely to default than one with at least some positive equity.”

The program, which is expected to be rolled out into 33 states, is one of the first principal reduction programs started by a private company. 

How To Buy a Home Bellow Market Price

I don't advertise real estate specials or deals on black Friday, or other U.S holidays and we really should so I am going to let everyone in on a secret. There are thousnds of homes on the market in Los Angeles County right now and you can buy any of them for less than the asking price, just give me a call and I will leave the house and make it happen.  I will be near the phone all day.  You won't have to wait in a line and you can wait until after sunrise to make that offer.

Real estate really is the gift that keeps on giving and real estate sales are just as important to the economy as retail sales are.

Andre Plessis
Tel: 310-266-9463

7 Home Staging Tips To Sell Your Home Faster

Here’s some advice to help keep that budget down and get the home looking great:

1.    Ask for advice. Even if you don’t get a professional home stager, a second set of eyes from an experienced REALTOR, who has some knowledge about home staging will be invaluable, and could determine how much more and how fast you could be selling your home.

2.    Make breathing room. Moving things around doesn’t cost anything. Rooms that have a lot of furniture may look nice to you, but crowded to potential buyers. Spacing things out makes a room look bigger, and lets buyers mentally fill in the gaps with their own furniture.

3.    Be sparse, not Spartan. Perhaps worse than clutter is nothing at all. An empty room is not going to excite anyone, and it will draw more attention to the condition of the walls, floor, and ceiling. Think of a pleasant-looking room that could appeal to potential buyers: There are simple decorations that catch your eye, and that are spaced out. Flowers, pot-pourris or fruit baskets will look nice.

4.    Minimize personal stuff. In the bathroom and kitchen, clear the countertops and of excessive, kitchen equipment,  bottles, brushes, and cosmetics and use simple, color-coordinated towels. Take down personal photos, including off the fridge (magnets too). Pack up the knick-knacks scattered across the shelves and dressers. You don’t necessarily need to rent a storage unit for all this: You can keep it in the garage, as long as it’s tidy.

5.    Make things shine. Polish furniture. Clean windows, fixtures, doorknobs, fans, and lights. This is simple and cheap but makes a huge visual difference.

6.    Think twice about big customizations. Replacing the carpet or repainting may seem logical, but not everybody has the same taste and the buyer may want to change things again anyway. You should consider a change if age or crazy style are issues. If you do, go for simple, neutral colors.

7.    Create curb appeal. First impressions matter most. Potential buyers will drive by your house first. If they do not like the outside, they have no reason to go inside. Clear out the tools and junk, keep the lawn clean, and trim the hedges. Add fresh flowers. Fresh mulch may spruce things up cheaply, and if you don’t want to paint the whole house, paint the trim, front door, and shutters. If it’s within your budget, you could hire professional landscapers.

How to Use Your Smartphone as a Weapon

4 Safety Mobile Apps You Need

Real estate safety expert and trainer Tracey Hawkins with Safety and Security Source noticed in the real estate safety classes she teaches that practically all of the agents had smartphones lying out in front of them. That’s when she realized that the device that most real estate professionals already carry can become one of their greatest safety aids when meeting with clients and showing homes. Hawkins, a former real estate professional herself, began to research safety apps and came up with a list of her top four picks that she feels are must-haves for anyone working in real estate.

Moby
www.mymoby.com
Devices: BlackBerry, iPhone, and Android (coming soon)
Cost: Free, premium plans available ($9.95 per month/$99.94 per year)
Hawkins chooses the Moby app as one of her top picks because of its check-in feature that could be beneficial to real estate professionals at open houses and showings. The app will send messages at predetermined times that ask “Are you OK?” If two questions go unanswered, the app will automatically notify the contacts you select that you failed to respond and provide your GPS location, which it gathers automatically from your smartphone.
Some of the app’s other features:

• Tracking tool: You can selectively reveal your location to certain contacts. The app can be set to send your GPS location periodically to whomever you choose and keep others up-to-date while you’re on the go. You can also leave notes to your contacts, such as “on my way to a vacant property” or “a bit nervous around this new client.”
• Alert tool: With one touch of a button, you’ll be able to alert your contacts or emergency personnel if you need help. The alert will automatically include your GPS location.

A stepped-up premium plan is available ($9.95 per month/$99.95 per year) that can be used to send your alerts to not only your contacts but also a 24/7 security monitoring system. The monitoring system can determine the appropriate emergency services needed and dispatch police, ambulance, or fire responders using your exact GPS location from your phone.
* On iPhone, find Moby by searching “Moby by Contigo” in the iTunes app store.

Real Alert
For iPhone: http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/real-alert/id436455476?mt=8
For Android: https://market.android.com/details?id=com.realalert.android
Devices: iPhone and Android
Cost: $1.99
Jones’ app has gotten lots of buzz lately within the industry from REALTOR® associations and practitioners inquiring about it since it debuted late in May. The app allows you to quickly alert your emergency contacts or police when you feel threatened as well as discreetly record “creep data,” key details about suspicious people you encounter.
The app features:

• A quick tap — one-button push — to speed dial and alert your emergency contacts when you need help.
• A quick-tap button (double tap in this case to avoid accidental calls) to instantly call 911.
• The ability to record “creep data,” which allows you to detail physical descriptions, vehicle information, and other important information for police. You can also record audio details or even take a photo.
• Retrieve the location of nearby hospitals by using your GPS location.
• A quick-tap button to sound an alarm to ward off potential attackers. (The volume will depend on the sound setting on your phone.)
• The ability to turn your smartphone into a flashlight.

SafeTREC
http://safetrec.com
Devices: Most mobile devices
Cost: Free limited plan; full-featured plan $9.95 per month
With this app, whenever you feel in danger, you can press a panic button on your phone that instantly alerts others that you need help. E-mail and text messages then will be sent to your emergency contacts, along with your precise location using your phone’s GPS technology. The paid version of this app will also send the message to a 24/7 live conference call help center, which will contact emergency responders if necessary.
The paid version of this app also features an “Emergency Safety Profile” that is sent with your messages. This profile can provide critical details of your emergency situation to responders, such as your location, suspect information, and your one-hour location history. You also can upload images, sounds, and video to the profile to provide responders with extra details. The profile also includes your medical information, such as allergies, blood type, and your physical description (along with your photo).

IcePics
http://www.icepics.com
Device: iPhone
Cost: $2.99
Take a photo of a suspicious person with just one press of a button and have it e-mailed instantly to your emergency contacts, along with your location information — you can even do it without that person ever knowing. IcePics (In Case of Emergency Pictures) is an iPhone app that makes your camera instantly accessible via an icon on the front screen of your phone. You can snap a photo discreetly too: Hold the phone to your ear and pretend you’re making a phone call but tilt the phone toward the person to take the photo — the photo is taken without a click sound and is instantly sent to your emergency contacts, without making any noise.
The e-mail to your emergency contacts will include the photo as well as your GPS coordinates and a link to a Google map so your contacts can pinpoint the precise location at which the photo was taken.